Sunday, February 7, 2010
Twinkle Twinkle Little 'Tube..
I'm still trying to decide what to do in life. When I spin the wheel should I draw a Career Card or a College card? Or should I sell it on ebay and use the money to buy Clue? I just love doing the maid by the fireplace with a candlestick!
Is he talking about a game? Meh-heh-heh!
I am also pretty convinced, at this hour, that basically there's nothing on TV except for bad softcore porn (we get it, "tits love soft jazz", now move on and get better writers you mediocre hacks), old horse races (my money's on lucky Forgotten Hasbeen!), and whatever QVC is trying to shove inside my eye sockets.. (The "Magic Bullet" is the tiny blender with HUGE posibilities- yeah if you're only serving ONE lonely person with a stomach size equal to that of a hamster! No, I'll call you back, I swear!) Also, everything and anything that isn't made by Seth MacFarlane or isn't The Venture Brothers, should immediately be canceled off that bullshit joke of a "Network". It's like Disney had a bout of diarreah, and flushed it. Then, it ended up in the depths of the dirtiest, most undesirable sewers, where, from there, it somehow took the shape of a giant brown and green human-shaped blob. Then it crept upwards, and out into the surface, near a brook in the middle of a wooded area. There, it surveyed the landscape, heard the sounds of nature, and the sounds of the streams running. A small yellow bird suddenly fluttered happily in front of it. The thing extended its palm out and the little bird rested itself on top, and looked happily at the blob, and started singing a joyous inviting tune. Suddenly, the thing crunched its hand closed, crushing the poor creature, and then stuffed it into its mouth, and ate it. Feeling a little less weak, it began walking, and walking some more, when suddenly it found itself in the presence of a deer. The deer approached it, and gave the creature a small caressing nudge with its head, then turned to eat from a patch of grass behind it. Then suddenly, as it ate, the thing opened its mouth wide, and the mouth mutated into a monster hole the same size as the deer, and as quickly as that, the deer was gone, and the thing reshaped it's face to normal looking again, and continued walking, to the edge of a cliff, where it discovered it overlooked a city. So, having fed and feeling much stronger, it shifted shapes again, to merge with the streamwater that went into a pipe and led out into that city. When it got to the end of that pipe, it found itself in the very middle of the city, right next, to a giant building. A building, that said "Cartoon Network" on it. It wasn't strong enough to have its own human body yet, so it looked for more food. That's when it saw a comicon convention nearby. IT went inside, and ate every loser virgin nerd there! By the time the massacre was over, it had acquired enough strength to shift into a more permanent and realistic human shape; that of a 20-year old college boy with a piggy nose and 300 pounds of overweight lard and turd. It went, leaving a trail of muck, slime and feces, all the way to the Cartoon Network building and said "Boy, do I have an idea for you guys, I think I should be allowed to walk around a studio, and spread shit and feces everywhere, and we should pass it off as shows! We'll call it, Adult Swim. And you'll all pay me for this, and we'll do it over and over again, for forever and ever! Aand the secretary said, "Sir, thats a terrible idea." So the thing drowned her in muck and slime and feces! Then it went upstairs, opened the room to were all the nerds were animating, and said "Listen up you DORKS, I'm the new boss now, and we're going to shit on television! And nobody, nobody, is going to stop us!
This is exactly how "Adult Swim" came to be. And this is why late night television is gutting my nerves more and more, especially since CoCo was screwed over.. sigh... David Letterman better turn up the funny and quick.
But I think for now I'm going to bed. My eyes are getting heavier than Oprah's arteries.....
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Heeyy!! Look at You!!! How ARE You??? Long Time no See!!
So, how are you? How's school? Did you get that thing I sent you? Are you still doing your "paintings"? You really should start doing them again. I like that one with all the brown. It reminds me of that summer we spent in Paris- before I banged your sister. Don't worry though, you're still my girl. My very special girl: Blog. I'm just going through a moment, that's all. I'm discovering myself. I've taken long walks in the woods, I traveled a little more, I talked to God, I banged your sister. Oh, I've also been going to the gym! I'm a little stronger now. I know this because yesterday I lifted a whole dinner tray without throwing up from the pain! Although my liver is starting to hurt...
Hey, did you know? Michael Jackson died. Yeah, it was really sad. Everybody went to his funeral. You were there? Did you see LaToya?? Damn she's hot, isn't she! The other night, I was masturbating to naked pictures of her, but then I kinda had to stop, because I realized she looked so much like Michael, that I didn't know if this meant that I was possibly gay or not..
What? That's not an appropriate thing to say? Well, not at the funeral I guess not. Lucky I wasn't there. Where was I? I was acting in a made-for Walmart-bin, Italian movie called "Angels and Diamonds", a cheap Charlie's Angel's knock-off clone about a director who has no talent. His name is Barilla Boyardee, and he used to be an italian plumber, from the italian side of Brooklyn. In fact, he spent most of the time offset jumping on mushrooms and turtles, and avoiding barrells...
So I hope you sent my condolences to the family for me though, and I hope you also sent my cock-dolences to Mariah Carey.
Well, anyway, you look great, really. Is that a new lipstick? And did you do something with your hair? You look like, ten years younger seriously, Blog! And look at me, I'm so fat now! Jesus, you must think I'm a total cow I'm such a mess! I don't? Really? Aww, you're just saying that! Now you got me all blushing. That bump in my pants? No, it's-a..a.... it's aah, the zipper. Yeah. It's a European design. Wanna feel? Okay, maybe later then. Well, I gotta be off now, you know things to do, people to kill- haha! And-aah, I'm this way so, I'll be off now. But seriously you look good. We should get together sometime you know? You got my facebook? My Twitter? My email? My number? You wanna feel my zipper? Oh I asked you that already.
Siggghh........Ra-ta-da-la-dee-daii. Man this weather hu? Allright, this is my bus soooooyyeeeaah! Talk to you soon then. Right! Oh and remember, tell your sister you never saw me! And your mom should get herself checked. I think I got it from your sister. NAAH I'm only messin' with yah- look at your face, HAHAA! HeeeeEeeEee, is he kidding?............... NAHH I'M KIDDING, look at your face again! Priceless...... Heeeee! *Sniff*, But seriously tell her to get checkedALLRIGHTDOOR'SCLOSINGBYE!!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Z z z zzzzzz........................
10) Distracted by release of "Wii Sports Resort", and how much I'm going to get it tomorrow morning..
9) Kate Gosselin started dating the creative right hemisphere of my brain and now all Hell's broken loose*. (*To "Lose" something has one "O", not two; two would make it "Loose" like if you had a loose tooth. Just pretend that "lose" "lost" an "O". Not that I'm addressing anyone in particular, but if I was, I'll change the names for anonymity's sake and call him Davey. Davey Goodberg. Christ Davey, you were my RA, you were supposed to be our example)
8) The orphans that I force to labor in my factory day after day to run the machines that power my brain and feed crumbs to at night are on a "timeout". I don't tolerate crybabies.
7) My fingers have H1N1. And Aids. Which sucks for my thumb, who is already going through a very messy divorce..
6) Who reads old out-fashioned Blogs aymore when the new hot young slut about town is Twitter?
5) My dad made these spaghuetti shells, and now I feel sick. Why? The secret ingredient was Shell gasoline.
4) My keyboard has filed a restraining order due to unwanted repeated physical contact..
3) So I waited outside the office later that night with a bottle of chlorophorm and waited for my keyboard to come out. Once it did, I asfixiated it, knocked it out, dragged it to the back alley, and fucked the shit out of it and sucked the shit out of it's big round Alt keys. I sure love shit! NOW who's the judge!
2) I'm being distracted by a documentary of an apocalyptic destruction our human race could suffer in the future, on the HISTORY channel. Now I'm just confused... and nauseous... but that's from the secret recipe..
And the number one reason I Don't Feel Like Blogging Something:
1) Michael Jackson died. OJ did it.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Till La Semaine Prochaine~
Thursday, July 23, 2009
2 am Timeout
Last night, (Wednesday) Jimmy Fallon had what I thought was going to be a kick ass show. He had harmonica legend John Popper standing in with The Roots all night long, and after his monologue he sat down and started talking about who he had as a special guest standing in with The Roots, and he proceeded to introduce Popper. YESS. Here we go!! The only reason I'm tuning in to this crap show is because of Popper. So Jimmy, five minutes into talking with John, asks him about his harmonica (ALLRIGHT, HERE IT COMES!!!), which is when he asked him if John knows "Oh Susana". Lucky, lucky: I recorded the skit on my phone. John played "Oh Susana", the audience clapped along, and then, it was over. It was the only real single moment to that John Popper really got.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Bump in the Night..
At night, the island of Puerto Rico is populated year round by "Eleutherodactylus coqui", or, more commonly, the "coqui", the treefrog that chirps it's native high pitch chant across all corners and nooks and crannies of the island. The loud sound is made just by the males, and can sometimes reach as high as 100 db, at a distance of 0.5 m (wikipedia). The sound serves two purposes: "CO" serves to repel other males and establish territory, while the "QUI" serves to attract females (wikipedia). Because of the sea of "Coquis" heard from 7pm to 5am every day, one would come to expect that there must be an average of 50-80 males for every 50 yards of puertorican soil. This would explain why one hears more "QUI"s at night, since the agressive overpopulation of males has caused the chanting of "CO"s, to be replaced by knife fights. These are more commonly seen in the south of Puerto Rico, and now in the north of Hawaii (!!), where coquis have also been reported to be seen living and thriving. The cause of the fights are unknown in Puerto Rico, although most suspect the blame lies on the mostly wholly negative influence of "reggueton". This is unlike Hawaii, where the cause has been proven to be caused by the stress level of the coquis, a clear end result of the annoyance brought onto them by the constant presence of fat bearded ukulele players.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Son of a @#$%^#%&!!.....
I’ll never know the true nature of my six year old cousin, his intentions, or most importantly, how incredibly annoyingly and stupid he really is. He insists himself and his bullshit on you whether you like it or not. It’s almost incredible how something so small could be so powerfully nerve-wrecking, maybe to the point of having the super human ability to make a grown indiuvidual become retarded, from being so stupid. Not just that but I come to find more and more that so far, all of the children I've met to this day are plain and simply, insensitive, selfish little assholes. They want and want and want and gimmie gimmie gimmie, now, now, now, me, me, me. The boys may be even worse than the girls, which isn’t saying much; it's like saying the herpes have been worse than genital warts: they’ve both still been a bothersome annoyance that you have to put up with every day. (I dont have herpes or genital warts) I don’t even know why the people who've made them, think it's a great idea, to continue making more of them!!
There are good young mothers in the earth who are smart and conscious and know when to quit, and then there are young, dumbass mothers who just have them so they could have like a little Mattel doll of their own to play with, like if it was something fashionable to show off to their Pilates friends at Starbucks when they run out of things to say about their iPhone, Twitter and celebrity news convos. That or they crap em out cuz they swear this is going to fix the hole in their lives that Jesus and the gym couldn’t and now this is going to solve all their problems.
But then the craze passes, and the kid turns 7, and now he’s old news, so Crap Mommy bought a Yorkie and is spending all the time at Starbucks with her other young Crap Mommy Pilates friends and their Yorkies cuz that’s the new little thing that needs feeding and changing and burping, from Mattell! But now they can’t return the kid (that was sooo “yesterday"!), so what do they do? They stuff it in a room, chalkfull of Wii and Spongebob, just so the little fucker could go away and leave them alone. Alone to tend to their shopping and Kindling and ebaying and combing their purse puppies, and talking about the boobs their husbands bought 'em. And that’s where people like me get (surprise, surprise!) tangled in the middle, because when jr. sees that daddy’s always too old and busy, and mommy, well, mommys at the “spa” again, and Spongebob and Super Mario got tiring, they run out of, I guess, a role model, or something they can waste their overconsumption of sugar (that the nanny keeps letting them have) out on, and, for some reason, I’m the first thing that pops up. Shit. It’s like being the Pied Piper, but I never cared to play the fucking flute, and these mice and fucking intrusively running my last nerve ragged more and more as the days pass, every day from sunup to sunset, from the first thing when I wake up, to the last thing when I try to go to sleep! And very rarely does anyone jump in, since Spongeme is so much more convenient for these mommies and daddies. I love kids, but a week straight sunup to sunset, moonup to moon..umm, set, especially with ones that aren't even yours or mine, will completely well, make you think thoughts like this:
I think, that all the young, caring, and conscious mothers, of the western hemisphere (or at least this island- the number would be faaaarr less!), should get in a big car (I drive!), and in this car, there would be a shotgun for all of them, and we should go around the island, and find these crap mommies, and shoot them. Shoot them in the vagina! (was that too much? The voices didnt think so). This may not really do much to fix the problem, but it would sure make a lot of us feel much better.
I love my six-year old cousin, but every now and then, not every now not then. Hey, I also like going to the crapper, but if I was around the crapper all the time on a mostly daily basis, anyone would say, that that can't be a good thing, because eventually, shit is going to overflow and hit the fan!