Sunday, February 7, 2010

Twinkle Twinkle Little 'Tube..

So it's Februaryyyyyy...what, 8? February 8, and it's 1:30 am. It's been a while since I've blogged, probably because I've been so busy what with being swamped with ignoring this blog. I've been writing in other sources though, such as the crosswords section of The Daily Sun, and signing my John Hancock on various pieces of literature (I get it, Rhianna, I "can't be close" to you again. Bitch, you didn't have to get lawyers in between!! Ahh what am I saying I still love you! Seriously, you'll get around to me soon..)

I'm still trying to decide what to do in life. When I spin the wheel should I draw a Career Card or a College card? Or should I sell it on ebay and use the money to buy Clue? I just love doing the maid by the fireplace with a candlestick!
Is he talking about a game? Meh-heh-heh!

I am also pretty convinced, at this hour, that basically there's nothing on TV except for bad softcore porn (we get it, "tits love soft jazz", now move on and get better writers you mediocre hacks), old horse races (my money's on lucky Forgotten Hasbeen!), and whatever QVC is trying to shove inside my eye sockets.. (The "Magic Bullet" is the tiny blender with HUGE posibilities- yeah if you're only serving ONE lonely person with a stomach size equal to that of a hamster! No, I'll call you back, I swear!) Also, everything and anything that isn't made by Seth MacFarlane or isn't The Venture Brothers, should immediately be canceled off that bullshit joke of a "Network". It's like Disney had a bout of diarreah, and flushed it. Then, it ended up in the depths of the dirtiest, most undesirable sewers, where, from there, it somehow took the shape of a giant brown and green human-shaped blob. Then it crept upwards, and out into the surface, near a brook in the middle of a wooded area. There, it surveyed the landscape, heard the sounds of nature, and the sounds of the streams running. A small yellow bird suddenly fluttered happily in front of it. The thing extended its palm out and the little bird rested itself on top, and looked happily at the blob, and started singing a joyous inviting tune. Suddenly, the thing crunched its hand closed, crushing the poor creature, and then stuffed it into its mouth, and ate it. Feeling a little less weak, it began walking, and walking some more, when suddenly it found itself in the presence of a deer. The deer approached it, and gave the creature a small caressing nudge with its head, then turned to eat from a patch of grass behind it. Then suddenly, as it ate, the thing opened its mouth wide, and the mouth mutated into a monster hole the same size as the deer, and as quickly as that, the deer was gone, and the thing reshaped it's face to normal looking again, and continued walking, to the edge of a cliff, where it discovered it overlooked a city. So, having fed and feeling much stronger, it shifted shapes again, to merge with the streamwater that went into a pipe and led out into that city. When it got to the end of that pipe, it found itself in the very middle of the city, right next, to a giant building. A building, that said "Cartoon Network" on it. It wasn't strong enough to have its own human body yet, so it looked for more food. That's when it saw a comicon convention nearby. IT went inside, and ate every loser virgin nerd there! By the time the massacre was over, it had acquired enough strength to shift into a more permanent and realistic human shape; that of a 20-year old college boy with a piggy nose and 300 pounds of overweight lard and turd. It went, leaving a trail of muck, slime and feces, all the way to the Cartoon Network building and said "Boy, do I have an idea for you guys, I think I should be allowed to walk around a studio, and spread shit and feces everywhere, and we should pass it off as shows! We'll call it, Adult Swim. And you'll all pay me for this, and we'll do it over and over again, for forever and ever! Aand the secretary said, "Sir, thats a terrible idea." So the thing drowned her in muck and slime and feces! Then it went upstairs, opened the room to were all the nerds were animating, and said "Listen up you DORKS, I'm the new boss now, and we're going to shit on television! And nobody, nobody, is going to stop us!
This is exactly how "Adult Swim" came to be.
And this is why late night television is gutting my nerves more and more, especially since CoCo was screwed over.. sigh... David Letterman better turn up the funny and quick.
But I think for now I'm going to bed. My eyes are getting heavier than Oprah's arteries.....

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