Thursday, July 23, 2009

2 am Timeout

Last night, (Wednesday) Jimmy Fallon had what I thought was going to be a kick ass show. He had harmonica legend John Popper standing in with The Roots all night long, and after his monologue he sat down and started talking about who he had as a special guest standing in with The Roots, and he proceeded to introduce Popper. YESS. Here we go!! The only reason I'm tuning in to this crap show is because of Popper. So Jimmy, five minutes into talking with John, asks him about his harmonica (ALLRIGHT, HERE IT COMES!!!), which is when he asked him if John knows "Oh Susana". Lucky, lucky: I recorded the skit on my phone. John played "Oh Susana", the audience clapped along, and then, it was over. It was the only real single moment to that John Popper really got.

  I felt a range of emotions, of which, with this blog, I now feel I can somewhat express, and because I know that the internet is used mainly by Hollywoods biggest stars, then I know that anyone could be reading this (Brad, Tom, Arnold, Snufalufagus..), so there could be a good chance that a smaller star like Jimmy Fallon could come across this blog, and most probably may as well. So Jimmy, if you are reading this, meet me at paragraph three":

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! Why don't you ask Mozart to play "Chopsticks" while you're at it, bumblefuck??! Or why not ask Hendrix to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb", fucktard!! Look, I know things have been rough since SNL, what with making only one movie that no one saw and one CD that no one bought, and one suicide attempt that nobody cared to save because you're so awkward and not funny, but, just... take some time before the show to get your conversation pieces straight with famous people. We all know how the Obama's ended up laughing at your face with your weirdness during their Whitehouse BBQ cookout, because you wore a suit and tie to a summer cookout, and because you didn't know what to say to them. Take that as a hint, and learn from that mistake, so you don't end up pissing on your viewers and possible future followers by asking John harmonica Legend Popper to play kindergarten Duck, Duck, Goose music. It was such a waste of a golden opportunity. John even said he's "heard better", and I can say that I've seen better tooIt makes me think that if you somehow were knocked unconscious and visited God and were allowed to ask him three questions, you'd ask Him what kind of toothbrush He uses, what His favorite videogame is, and if "Sir Meowrgan Von Catican" would be a good name for your kitten! And even God would go "Get the fuck outta here! Twit." 
   So next time Jimmy, and if there even is a next time, you ask John Popper, to play "Lone Rider", or the intro to "Run Around" or "Hook", or any other badass hamonica tune that you maybe could follow along in the back, but would show off his AWESOMENESS to a whole new crowd of young people who may not remember just how much he can rock- not "Oh babygay Susana"!! 
And do something about those bags under your eyes. You look like you've been in labor for  fourteen hours. They make me tired!

Thanks Jimmy. You can go back to "air bowling" at your audience for comedy.  

(Sigh, I'm surrounded by idiots!! I just can't believe you have such an awesome thing right in front of you, and you let it go to waste like that..) 

   *On a side note, Congratulations to the Nintendo Wii for being named "Babysitter of the Year" for the second time in a row, by the Academy of Parents and Nannies Wordwide! In honor of this prestigious distiction, Nintendo of America and Japan will be left in charge of a combined 1.5 million bratty troublesome shit children that no parent wants to or can deal with at the moment.

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