Friday, July 17, 2009

Oui Oui..

St. Barthélemy (St. Barth for short, or St. Barts in english), is one of the four territories along the Leeward Islands in the Caribbean that comprise the French West Indies. According to Wikpedia, it lies almost 250km east of Puerto Rico (why they can't say it in miles boggles us). It is also 1/5th the size of Puerto Rico; from end to end you could car tour the island in one hour. Just one. So if your car has a DVD player and screen, you could pop in a movie and finish touring the whole place before your copy of "Superbad" finishes! As of 2006, the last time anyone gave a damn to count, its population was almost 8,400 people. It's capital is Gustavia, its cuisine is French and it's people are french first, english speaking second. I've been here before. On June 1st I came back from three days at the place, which would have made it the 15th time I've tied 100 balloons to a lawnchair to fly over to this island, which is the ideal size flight craft to land on the Leggo runway of the Barbie Dreamouse Airport/Ice Cream Shop they hold here, until, I guess, a Quizno's buys it. I've seen Walmarts bigger than this place. But anyways, as of today, I have been two days back in this island and I still can't get tired of saying this:

The French women here are very, very, breathtakingly hot.

Like, Maxim hot. I see girls that look like Megan Fox but with blonde hair over here everywhere, and they're like, serving you wine at the restaurants, working as your uncle's maid (!!), or giftwrapping your cigars in some shithole mini shopping plaza (everything's mini here, the cars, the beaches, the tits :-( ..). It would be abso-fuckin-tively fully awesome that the beaches here are topless, if there were any actual tops to fucking look at :((

There are only two absolute problems with this potential Dear Penthouse forum experience: 1) I don't speak a lick of French (unless the only thing said in this island was Un skunk LePeu! Then I'd be set), and they don't speak a lick of anything else (on some occassions, two or three english words they just barely manage to remember), and 2)

These girls are generally five-star, wicked-witch
bitches when it comes to addressing or even making any type of eye contact or acknowledgement whatsoever with people they believe are tourist, or don't speak french.

How's that for warm natives?? Condescendingly looking down at your probably biggest and only source of income like that. Jesus Christ you wouldn't get as cold a reception if you poured two buckets of icewater into your nuts! And you always get a feeling that when you come into a place, like a store or a restaurant, they want you gone. I don't feel this kind of hostility even among the Puertoricans back home who think I'm American from first sight!!

I'm spending what possibly could be a week in my uncle's over here. A funny thing about my stays here: I have never seen it rain. I know it has to rain here, because this place is not arid. It just never happens when I'm around (I sure hope it's not because the french rain here is as stuck-up as the french girls ). Instead, every day is Kodak/Hallmark picture-perfect Somewhere Over the Rainbow on ukulele, bright, happy, sunny, Care-Bears stare perfect, with barely so much as even a fully formed cloud in the sky. Sometimes I even get to the point of feeling somewhat fishy from this whole thing; I did see "The Truman Show", after all.......

I'm here on both business and pleasure. I'm on the business of getting away from stressful situations with, "dramatic associates" at home, and on the pleasure of getting free mojitos and an magically delicious drink here known as the teapunch. Just wait till I show the waitresses here my special drink, the teabag, if those bitches can muster up the downright decency to take a 5-minute break from their Napoleon complex and get off their high horses to let someone who's name doesn't include the letters "Le" or "oux", talk to them.. In fact, I think if I was to have a shot around here, I should just change my name to "Le Oux". How's that for Frenchy. "Le Oux Baggette" over and out. Follow-up coming probably tomorrow night.
Just gotta let let the Pepto finish running it's course.....

~Thank God for family, especially family with money~

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