Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Bump in the Night..

At night, the island of Puerto Rico is populated year round by "Eleutherodactylus coqui", or, more commonly, the "coqui", the treefrog that chirps it's native high pitch chant across all corners and nooks and crannies of the island. The loud sound is made just by the males, and can sometimes reach as high as 100 db, at a distance of 0.5 m (wikipedia). The sound serves two purposes: "CO" serves to repel other males and establish territory, while the "QUI" serves to attract females (wikipedia). Because of the sea of "Coquis" heard from 7pm to 5am every day, one would come to expect that there must be an average of 50-80 males for every 50 yards of puertorican soil. This would explain why one hears more "QUI"s at night, since the agressive overpopulation of males has caused the chanting of "CO"s, to be replaced by knife fights. These are more commonly seen in the south of Puerto Rico, and now in the north of Hawaii (!!), where coquis have also been reported to be seen living and thriving. The cause of the fights are unknown in Puerto Rico, although most suspect the blame lies on the mostly wholly negative influence of "reggueton". This is unlike Hawaii, where the cause has been proven to be caused by the stress level of the coquis, a clear end result of the annoyance brought onto them by the constant presence of fat bearded ukulele players.

In St. Barths, however there are no coquis. Hell, I don't think there are even frogs here. Instead, the nights welcome you with a brigade of very different and creepy "night children" that would make any junior scientist pee his microscope. First, at around 8, you better have all your doors and windows shut, or "they" fly in. These aren't your regular moths, these are Mothra. From right behind them , I've seen crickets leap out and onto a lamp bulb out of absolutely, uh.. nowhere! These crickets have been eating, and from the looks of them, eating well. The fuckers are half a foot tall!! Two nights ago, I could've sworn that the one trying to pick the lock on the sliding door with a hanger while smoking a cigarette. All I do know, is that they were wearing socks and Adidas. I almost asked one if he knew how Jimminy was doing, but obviously they only talk in French. And they were constantly on their cellphones all the time! I'm sorry but that's just rude, you're in the presence of company, you put your fucking cellphone away! Jump over, chirp, freak us out with your incredible ugliness, fill the room with your disgusting Malboro fog, and then if the your cellphone rings and you only if you have to take that call, then you excuse yourself, you rub your legs together twice more real quick to give us a show, you jump out, you go to private corner by a leaf, and then you take your call. Come one, who the hell kind of prime minister, Lord of the Flies big dick does your smug condescending ass think you are?? That's the one thing that just pisses the hell out of me about the wild habitat of this island. Yes, we're visitors, but you respect us a little more! It's "harmony", not harmoME". Numbnuts.

Last night I got undressed to take a bath (bom-chika-waah-wah). I turned around, on the other side of the (closed) screendoor that led to the little private patio where the shower is, a Gecko was pointing a camcorder at me. That's how big they are here. I went for the door, fucker bolted out of there. By the time I leaped out into the patio, toothbrush in hand (there was nothing else to fight it with), it was long gone. Gone like Osama bin Laden's chances of doing children's television. Now? The video's all over the internet. If you're interested you can find it in porn sites under the tags "human", "water", "showering", "big tits". I haven't showered at night since. I heard the spiders here are supposed to be so big, you could spray them with venom, and they'll point and laugh at you, and call their friends to come over so you can do it again for them. Then they'll beat the shit out of you and take your wallet and call you faggot. Which in French would be "Le fagot homosexuel", I think. So when I see them, I just say "Bonjour Monsieur araignée géante!" and walk the hell on and mind my own business.

Whatever the case, I just know that no type of ugly french bug is gonna keep me from watching Jimmy Fallon tonight (July 22nd). He's got freaking Blues Traveler on his show. And I know my hero, John Popper, is gonna be playing with The Roots all night long until the final band/musical guest portion of the show, which will be THEM, BLUES TRAVELER!! I'm SO stoked!!!

*The midnight winds here are intense! Everything around the night here is quiet and calm, and everyone else but me is asleep (and I think the little girl may still be watching tv in her bed). But the airfest going on out there, wowee!

Can't stop but wonder if a storm is coming.....

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